Domestic Violence: Addressing The Menace Of Societal Condemnation

We hear it all the time, especially in this part of the world, Africa and Nigeria in particular! “Don’t go oh, he will just marry another wife” or “who will take care of your children?” It sometimes comes in this manner; “your children need a father!”

This must be a joke! How can a man who takes to brutalising his wife at every opportunity be the father figure that women are supposed to cope with for the sake of their kids? What kind of children will you be raising in such an atmosphere? Sociopaths?

According to the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF), children who grow up in abusive homes tend to continue the cycle of violence as they tend to emulate that mode of behaviour, after all they don’t know better. UNICEF’s findings also show that children who are exposed to violence in the home may suffer a range of severe and lasting effects. Children who grow up in a violent home are more likely to be victims of child abuse. Those who are not direct victims have some of the same behavioural and psychological problems as children who are themselves physically abused.

Before I go further, let me give you this free piece of advice, run! If you are in a marriage where you have become a punching bag, run! In fact, run for your life is the best way to put it. You are praying for him, yes but you have to be alive to pray! What if you don’t survive the next “I hit my head on the door”? Or what if the next black eye makes you blind?

Experts say victims of abuse usually develop what they describe as Stockholm syndrome. This is a psychological response which occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. They make excuses for their abusers and try to protect them. These victims end up believing they are always at fault and they deserve whatever their abusers mete out. And of course, the religious folks believe it’s their mandate to remain in the marriage no matter what happens.

This brings us to the recent drama with the Pius Angbo family. The channels Tv reporter was called out by his wife in a video that went viral on social media. In fact, from the behaviour described by the battered wife, Angbo has some psychopathic tendencies. How can a normal human being sit on the stomach of his pregnant wife, or a woman who is still healing from a C-section, repeatedly trying to choke her?

Well, since the reporter apparently has a relationship with Governor Samuel Ortom of Benue State, there was a public display of reconciliation between the wife and Angbo, the abuser. He reportedly apologised after the governor intervened. This has led many Nigerians to take to social media challenging the act of the governor and calling for the prosecution of Angbo. Some others have renewed the general Nigerian stance of not interfering in marital affairs, since the couple would ultimately settle.

However, as noble as the calls for prosecution of Angbo are, the police generally cannot charge an abuser to court unless there’s a complainant who wants to press charges. The Court cannot also pass judgement on an accused person if such a person is not before it.

The major challenges with prosecuting abuse cases are the factors at play in our society everyday; the parents insist the woman must endure her marriage as her lot in life, friends tell the woman to tolerate, some others insist the woman is the provocateur and so on.

In a chat with Titilola Vivour-Adeniyi, Coordinator of the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team, she noted that these factors are also seen daily when fathers abuse daughters and the mothers feel compelled to cover up the sick act of their so called husbands. The low rate of reporting and prosecution are as a result of these societal issues.

Emotional abuse is also very common, but since Nigerian women are supposedly wired to endure anything, they take it all in till they eventually explode. For example, Maryam Sanda whose dreams and aspirations have been truncated because she lost it and attacked her husband who she said has been cheating on her to her face. She was sentenced to death and has been appealing her case from one court to the other. Now the question, is remaining in such an abusive marriage worth being on death row, facing more maltreatment and indignity daily?

If she had the boldness to walk away, societal condemnation would have long died down. Social media titans would have long moved on to other trending stories.

Let me say, I am not advocating for break ups in marriages, there are implications on the kids as well. I am stating unequivocally, an abusive marriage is not a healthy union. You can pray and work it out, but leave before you die.

#saynotodomesticviolence